Down, write blog

On Day 3 of my P90X workouts and lovin it!

The burn feels so good. I've heard it described as better than sex and I have to agree. I am getting addicted to the endorphin rush. And, since I haven't had any action in a very very, you don't even wanna know, very long time, these work-outs serve me two-fold! Endorphins and fitness. I then get to grace the world with my rockin bod! HA!

Yesterday was a challenging day, emotional-wise. Emotions have a way of tricking me and tripping me up. I can't let that get in my way. I definitely want the rockin 110% hard-core athletic body of all time and I KNOW the P90X training will get me there in 90days!

I had a little spat with someone that has grown special to my heart. My head stepped in and made a decision to pull way back and focus my attention more back on just me n my kid, well and our critters. So, yeah, basically I kina broke up with someone. It's real and real-lame at the same time, but there are real feelings involved so it was tricky.

I should post this on my 'down, write blog', so maybe I'll just copy it over there.
Here's the lame part, we met on Facebook. Hit it off and visited a lot everyday. Have yet to meet in person, both being cautious. He's been separated from his wife for about 1 year and a half but is still legally married, so that's a flag right there.

They do shared custody with the kids, and since he is not legally divorced yet, he is extra careful about what goes up on his Facebook wall, which I have been respectful of. There have been a few instances where he got his knickers in a twist over what I post on his wall and we've talked about it. I didn't think they were anything out of line, and in fact, here are two real examples of what happened. The others were even more so insignificant that I don't even remember what the issue was.

This first recollection is a comment post on a picture of him and his mom on mother's day. I posted that it was a 'cute pic'. After me, another female friend typed, 'super cute pic'. So, after her, to be funny, I typed, 'fine, super duper cute'. At this point, he contacted me to 'discuss' why he thought that was inappropriate to be catty fighting on his wall and looking all jealous of some other girl or something. 1)Say hello to your ego and 2)did you read it? It was just fine, super duper cute. Gimme a break. It wasn't the first time he brought something up to me and I was beginning to get annoyed at his over-paranoia to stupid words on stupid facebook.

The next day, we were visiting about something entirely different and he let me know, that by the way, I was right because the other girl, I guess works at his office and approached him and said she 'likes what Karen types' and thought my snappy come-back was cute. He told her that he had words with me about it and she apparently was able to let him know to lighten up. He is so worried about his "x" wife finding anything on his wall, maybe he's not really separated?? Hmm, could that be it? I don't know, but his ever growing paranoia and what I am about to reveal next gave me enough reason to break off even just the simple facebook fascination.

Some days after that, he comments on how he only ate a salad for dinner and he was starving and if it were earlier, he would run out and get a fast food burger. So, to that I commented, 'No Noooo, No more fast food for me man'. Because by now, most of my friends and mutual friends, via the wall, know that I am on P90X and in strict regimen of what I consume. About an hour after that, it was getting late and I decided to just send him a quick pop-up chat to let him know I was signing off facebook and his reply was curt. I typed back, 'what's wrong?' and he was short again. So, I picked up the phone and called him and heeeere's more drama!

He starts talking about how facebook is too public and he's going to back off for a while, bla bla bla. And I asked what all this was coming from and he said, "We have talked about this before. That I am very careful about what goes up on my wall." And I had NO IDEA what he was upset about. I told him I could tell by his short chat that something was definitely up and I know it's late but I want to know what I did or said. He starts in with, "Ahh nothing, forget it." I was not about to let it go since obviously he's accusing me of something, AGAIN.

He starts in again talking about how he can't believe that I did it again and whatever I typed on his wall and he's rambling, but with no specifics. I tell him again, 'I need you to tell me specifically what you are talking about and what I typed that was so bad because I have no idea what you are talking about.' He finally told me the exact thread and comment that bothered him. He said that I made reference to him being "my man" in my post on his fast food thread. I said he was reading it wrong! It is, 'No more fast food for ME, man.' As in I won't eat anymore fast food. I told him I could NOT BELIEVE he was getting attitude with me over a fast food comment and especially since I made NO REFERENCE to what he was talking about. I told him it is REALLY UNFORTUNATE that it's come to this.

We talked a little longer, he DID apologize. I asked him if he wanted me to erase my comment and he kina begrudgingly said no. We got off the phone, but I was upset for quite a while.

Later, actually, early in the morning, I got up and decided to drop him a note. I had been thinking of nothing but the incident. I got on to facebook, I did go and erase that comment I made because 1)it's mine to erase if I want anyway and 2)it obviously upset him so I just wanted to be done with it. I sent him a note telling him that I thought it over, could wait a few days and say that I have thought about it for days, but that I am already at my decision that since there are too many issues popping up over basically nonsense that I am going to be pulling waaaaaay back from our communication. I will not be flirting with him anymore and I don't want us acting like there's anything going on, because we haven't even met yet anyway. All of this is cropping up because he's not yet divorced anyway....if he were, he shouldn't care what I put on his wall. It's not fair to either one of us that I am kept a secret if he is separated. And basically, that I look forward to us meeting someday when he is really divorced.

What was his reply? Just short, of course! So, I think that means I hit the nail on the head.

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I keep talking about going back to school but I just have to get up and do it.
We are moving back to my home state, California, this summer and I plan to take a couple classes. It's good for me and it sets a good example for my daughter.

Here is another great website that found it's way across my desk. It's a very helpful website for student loans.


Everything at your fingertips to get started on the sometimes overwhelming task of preparing and filling out student loan forms. There are tons of links for resources to help you along the way. You can search for colleges if you haven't narrowed it down yet where you want to attend. You can even take your shot at winning a $10,000 scholarship giveaway!

There is a section for students to enter and/or for parents to enter. That's great, I hadn't seen that before. That's really helpful because we all know that the rents and the students see things very differently. So the different pages are aimed at that specific target audience!

Don't forget to check out the alternative loans link. Visit student loan network today for the BEST website for all your student loans questions and needs.

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A new friend told me recently that I should keep up with writing on my blogs more. I agree. I want to. But what do I do, pull content out of my ass? That's a little crass, (a little?) but just about anything goes on my 'down, write blog', if you have read anything from my past.

Just like that cute, dear girl on 'You've Got Mail', I lead a small life. Albeit valuable in its own right. I live in a small town, I have small accomplishments, I have small to little to nothing to speak of, but a brilliant daughter who shall go forth in life and, as I have no doubt, will accomplish more in her little finger than I ever imagined. And she will do all this because it is her gift, not because I need to narcissitically & vicariously live through her. Please, I don't have that kind of energy to follow-thru on such variety-shows. You know what I'm saying, dog n pony?

So, living a relatively small life, in the sticks in Oregon, I am obviously hooked up to cyberspace. It is a lifeline. My blogs, my facebook friends, the news, money-making opportunities, they're all blessings.

This morning when I got up to check in on my assignments for the day at my 'Transcript typing' website, I was temporarily interrupted by the phone call I had to make to pay-up on my slightly delinquent internet bill to re-connect my service. Bummer. I knew it was coming up quick. I am not quite making enough to pay everything ahead of time to keep afloat, but just enough to juggle everything and there are the inevitable lapses in between.

Got me thinking, 'Is the internet a lapse in judgement on my part?' I have to say, no, because without the internet, I wouldn't be making the little extra funds to juggle anyway. It's a vicious cycle.

This morning I awoke to Good Morning America. A story about some kids that posted their plight on YouTube. A crew came out to their school and several of the kids sat and testified on camera just how raw and real the crisis has hit home for their families. For many of the kids, it was the first time they had let some emotion out at all. These dear kids have been trying to stay strong troopers for their parents, while all along seeing the angst and pressure across the faces of the ones they look up to to provide their shelter, their food, their future in life.

The donations came pouring in to the school for supplies, for the children, for food and above and beyond the call of duty, JOB OPPORTUNITIES have been pouring in for the parents!
I have searched and searched and now I cannot find their post on YouTube.

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Wow, I have never heard of spoofing!
Where have I been? This looks like a really neat idea. In case you have never heard of this either, spoofing, at least caller i.d. spoofing, is a way to put some other text on the caller i.d. of the person you are calling.


This looks like it can either be a lot of fun, or could be nefarious in the wrong hands. Use your powers for good instead of evil. What would you choose to type to display in your receiving party's caller i.d.? Hmmm, what to type, what to type.

I think I would put something silly like, "Big Bird Calling" or "Barney says I love you". Maybe, when the mood strikes, I'll be a little more mischievous and type, "The lab results are in, you have . . . . " and just leave them in suspense.

Here is a great website that is offering Free Spoofing. Why didn't I think of that?!

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For the need of a personal post between paid ads, voila, I'll write a quick diddy.
I've been down again lately. The child support has stopped again for no apparent reason. I guess he is taking advantage of the nations economic down-turn too and decided not to pay anymore, or maybe he just dropped dead of a heart attack.

My car is still kaput in the driveway and I have been stuck at home for, I am ashamed to tell just how many weeks. At least my daughter gets to go off to school. I desperately, really desperately need to go grocery shopping and the final kick in the ass, I wasn't paid for some jobs that I did when he said he would pay me.
On that note, I really would like to meet Diddy someday, he has money, and I bet he won't make me do any job for a helping hand! ha ha Read into that whatever you want. I don't care. I am in a saucy mood and I have to laugh during my own recent economic down-turn!

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Fishing is the ultimate escape for me.
I haven't been fishing in a very long time. But I get blue a lot and when I do, I want to just sit, be quiet, hear the murmured rustlings of nature all around me in the distance while I get up close and personal with the worm I am bloodying and stabbing onto the barbed hook, to be eaten alive. I want to go Everglades Fishing.

Once while sitting alone and only the cackling ravens to stand witness, I landed the largest large-mouthed bass this side of the skogies. Half sloshed off of off brand beers and stale cheetos, I lay day dreaming about Everglades Fishing under the summer sun, barely holding onto my pole in the water, as my own lazy water slowly meandered out the side of my agape mouth.

A slight tug tug tug on my pole got my attention. I jolted up out of my dream about Everglades Fishing-stooper just in time to grasp the pole for the monster to yank me down into that lake. All sobered up, I couldn't wait to get a hold of whatever bastard was on the other end of that line. I knew it had to be a cold, floppy man of a fish. I couldn't wait to club his large-mouth head. Maybe someday I'll get to go Everglades Fishing.

I reeled, he pulled, I huffed, he splashed. We fought like cat and dog while a stray cat and dog came along to laugh at me from the side of the wood lined meadow behind me at the lake, while I day dreamed about Everglades Fishing. They looked at this stupid old lady fighting a fish, then looked at each other as if to make bet who would be the first to steel my catch. They wouldn't even be there if I were out Everglades Fishing.

Sweaty and stinky, I landed that 5 foot beast, beat his head with my empty bottle, gut him and cleaned him right there on shore. I wonder what the shore is like when you're Everglades Fishing. The cat and the dog weren't laughing anymore. I threw them some scraps and loaded up my prize in the truck. I have no pictures. Who needs pictures when I have this amazing story. Next time, I'll write an even more amazing story about Everglades Fishing. Did I mention I want to go Everglades Fishing. I have never been Everglades Fishing.

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Scary how much I (think I) can relate.

From the beginning of following this story, I have had moments of chills up my spine with emotionally relating to the family dysfunctional dynamic. The controlling mother, the out of control daughter, the baby on the pivotable point in the path of destruction.

I was a pregnant teen. My mother (& stepfather) approached me and told me they wanted to adopt the baby, but that I could never reveal the truth, could never mention that I was the real mother and it would never be spoken of again.

I felt so unwanted, so abandoned, neglected. Here I was, 18, still a child in so many ways. Our mother never even taught me what a 'period' was, let alone what to expect from boys. She was a great role model, too. When times get rough, stressed or scary, hit the bottle lady.

I will never forget that day. As I sat there and I could hear their muffled voices far off in the back of my mind. . . I felt simply, 'given up on.' They were done with me, but they'll take the baby and that's it.

Obviously, with teenage pregnancy being a symptom to underlying problems, albeit a HUGE-human symptom that will need a life commitment of care, I obviously needed help. Not excuses for my actions. I'm not entirely pointing the finger everywhere else but me, but I needed help long before that day. I needed attention, guidance, instruction, and stability and I very well may have never been a pregnant teen.

What prompted me to delve into this tonight was reading another article on the Casey Anthony case. She was under pressure from a controlling mother - I know that pain all too well. I am NOT offering up excuses or sympathy for Casey killing her daughter. Rather, the article goes on to mention that Casey stated at one point she felt she was having a break down and wanted to be committed to a mental hospital. I know that feeling too, and I reached out, and I got burned again, by the same controlling mother figure. The same disconnected mother-figure in the house that taught me not to rely on her emotionally and to hit the bottle for your support, a crutch. Way to go.

I never did let them adopt my baby. I had already other contacts for an adoption and I followed through with that arrangement. It was/is filed as an open adoption and at various times throughout the years we have gotten together. It still is all so very sensitive to me, as only another in my position can feel. It remains an open sore, festering, picked at by a scaly wound that haunts my skin at the very slightest whisper of a breeze of memory.

The emotionally disconnected mother-figure announces one day, around christmas time, when I walked in her door, "Oh, guess who was here yesterday? I got together with (-)!" Brags about how they all got together at the house and had such a nice visit....on and on....COMPLETELY unaware at how I was literally having to HOLD BACK my vomit from spewing out my guts.

I was stunned silent. I was the betrayed inner baby girl all over again, given up on. All I could think in my head as my heart felt like it was ripping right out of my chest...'Couldn't anyone have called me to be here too for the get together?'
It was not as if I had been excluded before...but it precisely WAS just that. I learned there had been other visits without me, on purpose.

You see, I was the 'bad teen' that got myself pregnant with that baby in the first place and she was the 'wonderful gramma' that they'd arrange to go visit. She puts up quite the show for the outside. None of them in that adoptive family know how I grew up. And I could never tell them, because that would ruin "his truth" of his gramma. I can't confuse him or break his heart.

She is SO STUPID and disconnected that she didn't even think to NOT ONLY not tell me about it, but she couldn't even SEE how it was killing me. I swear she has asperger's syndrome! I hated her in that moment for torturing me. Another time she called just to tell me, "(-)'s mom called me today and want's to know, 'is karen even still alive?"....asperger-mom-figure has such a gentle approach.

In the news, when they talk about the hatred between Casey and Cindy Anthony, I can relate!

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Pondered some painful memories again tonight. I don't like to think of it as 'dwelling', rather, I need some answers and I am not getting them from the source, so sometimes I find myself trying to figure it all out. Maybe that is my way of finishing off the puzzle so I can put it away.

Remembering countless real-life examples of dysfunctional behavior, particular disorders have crossed my mind before as a possible explanation to all the drama in that household growing up, and the behavior that persists to this day. But, I never looked the disorders up before to read the actual definition. I guess they just crossed my mind from watching too much t.v., Dr. Phil, Oprah, the news, reality t.v., ha ha. Tonight I looked a few things up and am, should I say, pleasantly surprised. I don't know if it's a pleasure to learn what 'could be' these possible answers, if any of these documented disorders apply, but it's a start.

Lately I have been following the daily breaking news on the Anthony case. Poor, dear little Caylee, the grandmother Cindy and Casey, the mother imprisoned and charged with 1st degree murder of her 2yr daughter. The case is horrific and fascinating at the same time. It strikes me as disgusting the way the news is covering it as a tabloid scandal, yet I find myself watching the same channel that pisses me off, just to try and soak up more facts about the case. The flashing headlines, the dramatic music, the floating, tilted family pictures fading in and out of the t.v. screen. It's all so 'overacting' mellow drama at it's WORST.

I'm referring to CNNs the Nancy Grace show, by the way. It's a love hate thing. I love how she is so passionate about a cause, but I hate how that blond loud-mouth sounds so disingenuous. In an instant, when reading her teleprompter, she'll turn her voice into a comatose whisper of a forced guttural drawl of compassionate facade. Gimme a break lady....someone really ought to tell you to at least practice in the mirror. She is so annoying, but hey, that just may very well BE her sincerity and I'm hearing her all wrong. Lord knows her ratings are high and millions love her. But here is a CLASSIC example of precisely what I am talking about, then I'll get back to my blog topic:

I actually started this blog post a couple days ago and am just now getting back to it. In the meantime, have had a couple conversations with a brother and cousin that has helped to relieve some of my tension, ultimately, the reason for venting on this blog anyway. So, I am feeling less compelled to have to express it here after my recent visits, but, I'm sure I'll think of something!

Yes, the original train of thought for this blog post anyway, the mom-factor, the source. Not just easier to blame, but makes for a blogable topic and hey, I don't have insurance so a-typing-I-shall-go.

Psychosis (from the Greek ψυχή "psyche", for mind or soul, and -οσις "-osis", for abnormal condition), with adjective psychotic, literally means abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People suffering from psychosis are said to be psychotic.

People experiencing psychosis may report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and disorganized thinking. This may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out the activities of daily living.

A wide variety of central nervous system diseases, from both external toxins, and from internal physiologic illness, can produce symptoms of psychosis. This disease link has led to the metaphor of psychosis as the 'fever' of CNS illness—a serious but nonspecific indicator.

Through my childhood experiences and lifelong into adulthood, my research into available facts on-line, I have come to realize I was raised by a psychotic-asperger's-syndrome sufferer of a mother. She is OCD, obsessive compulsive about taking care of her physical needs (even keeps a digital scale next to her coffee pot to weigh and 'keep record' of how much (damn) creamer (ounces) she puts in her coffee each day. (seriously? yes)

Being raised with such a 'control freak' and the freak that FREAKS OUT and YELLS inappropriately when things don't go her way, emotionally disconnected from her own child, narcissistic, socially dysfunctional, chronic anxiety, chronic depression, are typical of aspergers's, OCD, hence, psychosis.

Point being, she'll go to great lengths and unrealistic measures to measure her physical health, but will not take logical steps for the health and well-being of her mind. That, god forbid, may imply she is not in control and that there truly is something wrong......so, over the years, what is the result? Take it out on the kids. . . . .

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